the five year plan + one year extension

A couple Thanksgivings ago, my husband and I were at my parents' house in New York. I was blessed to have 2 out of 3 sisters there, which meant fun with our niece and nephews.
As I was cuddling with our nephew William, I picked him up, looking right at my husband, I said, "I want one just like this."

I have baby fever. I've had it for a while now.

Before my husband and I got married we signed up for the "five year plan." We wanted to wait five years before having any children. Some people want to start a family right away. We wanted to spend time as a couple for a bit and do things we wouldn't be able to do (easily) with children like, work on a vegetable farm and live in a '75 Shasta camper. (Yes, that totally happened.)

Last June, the five year plan ended, but my husband filed for an extension.

I reluctantly accepted.

People say you're never really ready to have kids. When you think you're ready something may happen that you weren't planning or some such thing. I don't think my husband was ready.

Whenever I would mention having a baby, he would quote the Faith Hill song, "A baby changes everything."
"That song is about Jesus!"
"I'm just saying-- a baby changes everything."

It's true. Everything changes. Taking on a new role as a parent means new responsibility.

I used to think, Oh, I can't wait to have a baby!... Everyone else is having babies... Our baby would be so cute! (I still think about that last one.)

I'm not going to deny that I love babies. (Let's be real- pretty much anything in baby form is adorable.) I love their chubby cheeks, tiny little noses, little dimples for knuckles... I will cuddle, tickle, play, and be silly with my nieces and nephews all day long. Did I mention I love babies?

In anticipation of someday having a baby, I've looked into cloth diapers. I have a "someday" board on pinterest with so many cute things to make...

But then there's the lingering thought in the back of my mind- what if I'm unable to have children? I remember telling my boss that my husband and I were in the pre-planning stages of starting a family.
The first thing she asked was, "Are you able to have children?"
"Oh. I've never tried, so I think so?"
I know that she was not trying to be discouraging. It was just a question; a question not everything thinks about. Who wants to think about the infertility? Of course, I follow vloggers on youtube and have heard some sad stories-- which I don't really recommend. (It's like going to WebMD and typing in your symptoms, which turns into you thinking you have a rare disease.) Maybe we won't have a problem trying to conceive. Maybe it will take years.


A couple weeks ago, after dinner I found myself sitting on the couch with my husband, with our cat, Alfie, on our lap, listening to a Peter, Paul and Mary record.


I looked around.


I have been blessed with a wonderful, hardworking, loving husband.

I have been blessed with this house.

I have been blessed with food and way too much clothing.

I have been blessed with so many things that I don't need- like a craft room full of yarn and fabric.


It's so easy to look at what others have. It's so easy to compare.
I have been blessed beyond measure. There is no way I could count all the blessings in my life.

It has taken me a while to get to this place, but I am content. I know that God is holding me in his hands. He has a plan for me- with or without children.

Next week is a big one. I'm going to be 30. It's a pretty big number; no longer a "twenty-something."

When I went in the first grade room for art this week, a student raised her hand to share something. She said, "Happy Birthday!" I told her it wasn't my birthday yet, but thank you. Another student said, "Are you excited to get pregnant?" With the whole class laughing she corrected herself, "I mean PRESENTS!"

Whatever this new year brings, I will hold tight to the truth that the joy of the Lord is my strength and I won't let anyone steal my joy.

<3